Ok people. I have food issues. I've known this for quite a while, and I know I talk about it a lot and never REALLY do anything about it...but I'm going to talk about it some more right now, if you don't mind.
I like to watch shows like Biggest Loser and Losing it with Jillian...and every week after I watch them, Jillian has got me CONVINCED that I have the power to change my ways and take control of my eating. After last night's episode, I felt so empowered and felt so confident that I had control, because after all, it's food. And the foods that I eat are POISON!! (Jillian Michaels, 2010). Fast forward to, oh i don't know, 20 minutes later, and I'm eating two chocolate chip cookies and a glass of milk. Then this morning I had a frosted pop tart for breakfast.
This is my problem (one of the many): I daydream of losing weight and being skinny. A lot. It's fine to want to lose weight and be healthier, but I'm pretty sure I place way too much value on being skinnier, because I seriously think that I'd finally be happy with myself if I weighed 25 pounds less. And then I don't actually stick with eating healthy (i do ok with exercising most of the time), so nothing ever changes, so I just end up thinking about it more and more.
This is the other part of that problem: I think about how I'm determined to lose weight and be healthy at two main times of the day: after I've eaten a huge dinner of unhealthy food or RIGHT after working out really hard. But any other time of the day, I'm just thinking about how I NEED to go to Sonic Happy Hour... it's just not good.
I'm so tired of talking about losing weight and being healthier. So then sometimes, I decide it's stupid to worry about it so much and I'm going to stop thinking about it and just eat whatever I want and not care, like my skinny friends do. But I DO care. So then after a couple days of pretending like I don't, I just feel even worse.
When other people talk about problems or addictions that they have, it seems so obvious that they should stop talking about it and just DO it. But I have failed every time I've really tried. I feel like I have no self control when it comes to food. And I know it's annoying and it shouldn't be so hard, but I just don't do it. And I don't want to keep saying I'm going to do better because I know I won't because I never have before.
I know if Jillian was here right now, she'd be talking to me in her intense, low voice with her eyes squinting and her hand on my shoulder, asking me to figure out WHY I feel the need to eat junk and not change...and I've been trying to figure it out, and I honestly think it's that a) i'm afraid of failing again and b) Unhealthy food tastes soooo good!!! Seriously. That's what I think.
So yeah. There you have it. That was basically just a lot of rambling that probably didn't make sense. Let me know what you think!
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I'm watching past episodes of SYTYCD right now, trying to catch up. I love Kent. And I am a little jealous of Lauren getting to dance with him. I was with Adam--I felt embarrassed watching them. They're totally going to hook up. (In my head, I said that with a valley girl inflection. Please do the same when you read it.)
ReplyDeleteWe really missed you at the dance. It would have been that much more fun with you there. It was so successful, we're already planning to have another one at New Year's, so put it on your calendar!
I love your description of Jillian. She does have squinty eyes.
You should know that I think you are lovely. Just. The way. You are. (Bridget Jones)
I place WAY too much stock in food and drinks to make me feel better. You know how I feel about Dr. Pepper. Good day, bad day, sad day, celebration day...I need a Dr. Pepper. Can't live without it. My idea of a healthy day is restricting myself to 3 DP's instead of 4. Pathetic, really.
I know--5 comments! I was freaking out.
ReplyDeleteI wrote you a really long comment last time. Maybe I should start breaking them up into several?